Thursday, March 25, 2010

Mrs. Amanda Recaps CRIMINAL MINDS (Episode 5x7, "The Performer")

This week’s Criminal Minds was a repeat, but I felt like recapping something, so this is it. Before I begin, though, here is what my sister Erica (you know, she casts the show) had to say:

Gavin Rossdale took this role/project very seriously. He was extremely focused and professional from the table read through the end of filming. We ran into him one day on set and we had a whole conversation about whether he should say the word "privacy" as he normally does ("prih-vih-see" - the way British folk say it), or if he should pronounce it "pr-eye-va-see" (the way Americans say it). We told him that whatever ended up coming out of his mouth would be perfect. He also recorded a track specifically for the episode (it's the one they play at the "concert" in the teaser).

We also had Eddie Jemison in that episode (playing Gavin's manager) - he was the nerdy dude in the Ocean's 11 movies and he's also currently on Hung. I think some people were even more excited about working with him than they were with Gavin (to each his own, right?).

 But also, the director of that episode was John Badham, who directed Saturday Night Fever. Some people (like Gubler) were more interested in him than the cool guest stars. 

And so off we go:

The show opens at a heavy metal concert.
Hey! I had the same My Little Pony Hairclip!

After Dante, the lead singer (Gavin Rossdale, who is actually really good in this episode) finishes singing, he drops his mic and heads to his dressing room, ignoring the screaming fans and the praises of his manager (Eddie Jemison). He takes a swig of alcohol before tossing it at a mirror, and then sits down and surveys himself in the broken glass.
This is the point when he realized he was rich and didn’t need to drink Jack Daniels anymore.

He sees himself as a vampire, with blood dripping out of his mouth.
He’s like the hetero version of Edward Cullen. 
(Oh, relax, I love those books too)

Three goth 20-somethings leave the concert. The two girls gush over the performance, while the boy tries to get a word in edgewise. The kid has no game, though, and the girls ditch him.
In the epic battle of metal necklaces, black eyeliner and nose piercings, neither wins.

Blondie makes it home, but doesn’t get far before she hears a knock at the door. A hooded figure can be seen through the curtains, and she peeks out to see who it is. It’s someone she recognizes. Oh, phew!
Just kidding, she totally bites the dust (do you see what I did there with the vampire joke? Ho ho!).

(*Update: Tonya sent us a twitter message that read: "I was applauded for adding in that head bash on the floor during my death. Champ!"  She IS a champ*)

Our dreadlocked temptress, Tara (played by Tonya Kay), is the third victim in two weeks to be found on freeway off-ramps. No sexual assault, but they were all strangled and drained of their blood through identical saliva-covered puncture wounds in their throats. Tara was the only one to have the words “The Liar” scrawled on her arm in blooooooooooooooood.
EMILY: “’The Liar,’ that’s strange, isn’t it?”
Yep, Emily, that’s the weirdest fucking thing we’ve all ever seen so far in this show. Last week’s ep about eyeball gouging was totally run-of-the-mill.

While the team discusses the modern-day vampire, Dante’s manager, Ray (Eddie Jemison) goes into Dante’s golden-silk-sheeted bedroom to wake him up. Dante complains that he is sick and tells Ray not to call him “Dante.” They fight over his upcoming promotional appearance because Dante doesn’t want to “be him.” When Ray asks him what happened to him after the show the night before, Dante states that he doesn’t remember.
I tried to get a screencap of the bloody pillowcase, and this is what printed instead. So…that was lucky.

The BAU team meets up with the local police in Los Angeles. After an oddly-long handshaking sequence, we learn that Morgan is leading this case. They start by reviewing the witnesses, since vampires like to attack people they know.
Ian Anthony Dale is the Japanese Billy Ray Cyrus.

Dante arrives at the record promotion party in a dry-ice festooned helicopter. Although his goth fans are super-peppy-excited that he’s there (seriously, there’s a lot of smiling at that party), Dante is broody. A reporter is there to write a story on artists who cross over – a phrase that Dante finds disgusting. We learn that Dante thinks his fans are crazy, and the reporter thinks that Dante is old news.
Happy vampires. Brad Pitt would not approve.

Ray tries to remind Dante of how much fun they had in the good ol’ days, but Dante can only think of the character he’s currently playing and the fact that he’s a washed up rocker. He tells Ray he’s a good friend, and then goes off and gets a piece of ass.
DANTE: “Nice hands. Want some drugs? Let’s bang.”
AMANDA: *Smacks forehead*

Emily and Rossi visit Tara’s house and find a little Dante shrine in the dining room. Meanwhile, Morgan and Hotch visit the morgue, only to learn that the marks on the girls’ necks aren’t bites – they are made with an instrument.
I wonder if Kyle would let me do this with my Leonardo DiCaprio posters?

The unsub strikes again…and this time it’s the waitress. She has “The Liar” written on her, as well. Dr. Reid puts together the unsub profile, which includes such tidbits as “Likes to cut his/herself” and “Has a history of killing animals.”

While they go over the details, Dante wakes up on the floor of his bedroom and runs to the bathroom to throw up. Ray tries to comfort him, while Dante repeats, “You have to help me, I can’t stop.” Ray says he will fix this.
Aww, the bathroom bro hug.

The BAU finds out that Dante’s album is named “The Liar.” Garcia tells the rest of the team that all of the victims (minus the waitress) had shrines set up to Dante. They visit Dante (whose real name is Paul Davies) and find the waitress’s car. Although he doesn’t really fit the profile, they bring Dante/Paul to the station, where the paparazzi are waiting.
And somewhere, Lindsay Lohan shivers with delight.

They send Emily in to interview Dante/Paul under the guise as a fan, and he isn’t having any of it. He asks to speak to his manager so that he can hire a lawyer. Conversation over. 

The BAU learns that the saliva DNA is from a woman…the same crazypants woman (named Gina, played by Inbar Lavi) that JJ is currently visiting because she was Tara’s BFF. And, of course, she fits the unsub profile. And, of course, JJ follows her into her death lair.
Time for someone to call Curb Appeal!

Dante/Paul calls his manager, who tells him that the album sales are through the roof and everything will be great again and Dante/Paul can stop doing the drugs. He’s going through this whole rig-a-ma-role as he pulls up to Gina’s house. Ray tells Dante/Paul that he just has to fix something quickly. Uh ohs for JJ. 
Ray knocks JJ out and tries to get Gina to stop packing up blood long enough to kill JJ and then herself. You learn that Ray has told Gina that Dante wants her to kill these girls, and Gina loves him so much that she’ll do it.
The moral of the story? Avoid guys with bluetooths. (Blueteeth?)

So the BAU stops them both and saves the day and Ray and Gina go to jail and Gavin goes back to being hot. The end.

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